Things I’m Saying Just To Prove That I’m Not A Complete Bimbo
I find it incredible that most people (that I know, at least) have the ability to express themselves so gracefully through writing and yet express so clumsily when they speak. How often do we really say what we mean? Why do we find it so difficult to articulate whatever message we are trying to convey in conversation yet once we sit down in front of our keyboards or pick up a piece of paper, the words flow effortlessly? It’s fascinating. I think it comes from the anonymity of writing. Yes, someone may know you and know that you wrote whatever you wrote but writing it down takes the human interaction out of it. And for some reason, we find it easier to express alone. Maybe it’s because we don’t really trust anyone and therefore can’t open ourselves up to people in person because we don’t feel comfortable with them coming that close to us. We’re all so vulnerable. So afraid of each other and what we are all capable of. Generally, I don’t like Good Charlotte but they got it right when they said, “Everybody’s hurt somebody before/ Everybody’s been hurt by somebody before”.
I have. So have you. So you close up and stop trusting. But after some time, you learn that the love and the friendship are worth the risk. Yes, you will get hurt again. But why miss out on all the other good things just because you’re trying to protect yourself? Don’t. Let go. Open up. Cry sometimes. Laugh as much as you can. Love without hesitation and without wanting to justify it. Free yourself.
I like that there are things to you that I have yet to discover. I enjoy going deeper and deeper into your psyche and being able to appreciate all your complexities and nuances simply because I have seen them from the outside-in and because they are not mine. I do appreciate my own complexities and nuances. I’m not sure if that makes me vain and self-obsessed or merely secure in my opinion of myself as a person. I think I’m definitely worthy of a good relationship and I can understand why people like me. Because I’m saying it, does that make it arrogance? If you said it to me, it would be affectionate. Why does affection for one’s self become arrogance? Have we come to a point where it’s not okay to like yourself? Are you only modest and humble, grounded, when you don’t think highly of who you are? It’s all a little backwards. How can you expect other people to like you if you don’t like you? I like me. Obviously, there are things about myself that I don’t like but on the whole, I think I’m a nice person. I try to be. It doesn’t always work but I try anyway. Does that make me conceited? I think it’s more of a success - I try to be nice. So far, I am achieving this (to some extent). That encourages me to try harder and pursue my desire to become a nice person. If I kept telling myself I wasn’t nice, I would become demoralised and stop trying to be nice. So surely if we want to be cool or liked or amicable, we should acknowledge times when we are? That makes sense to me.
Over the sea and far away
She’s waiting like an iceberg, waiting to change
But she’s cold inside
She wants to be like water
Isn’t it funny how change happens. We can try really hard to change ourselves but generally that doesn’t work. You can’t force change. You can hope for it and put yourself in an environment that encourages it but you can’t force it. If you’re not ready for change, you won’t change. Do I want to change? I’m not sure. I’m not consciously trying to change myself but it happens in little bits everyday. I think I’m going through another maturity-growth-spurt. Changing. Becoming more aware in some ways; more aware of other people, more aware of myself, who I am, what I want, where I want to go.
There are too many you’s in this blog. I think about all of you. A lot. For different reasons but the common theme is that I love all of you in some way. Mainly in a platonic motherly sort of way. It must seem strange that I should feel maternal toward any of you seeing as we’re all pretty similar in age. I guess motherly isn’t the right term but I’m not sure how else to describe it. To me, your feelings, your emotional well-being, all the little things that make up you are precious. I want to protect them and nurture them. I want to make sure you’re all right all the time. I want to make you all happy. There’s one you that I’m not as concerned about. I think that’s because you aren’t as fragile as the others. To any other person, all the other you’s would seem fine but to me… It’s like a giant flashing light. You are not okay. You need support and love and someone to care. I must be that person. It’s not a matter of wanting to be special or different or idealised. It’s completely automatic and natural to me to step into that role. I don’t even think about if you want me there or if I’m the right person for the job. It’s like the awareness of you being in need appears and is immediately followed by the shift in my attitude to become the support.
Maybe that’s not very healthy. But it’s the way I am.
This post really has no theme or continuity. But that’s ok. The reason that I post anything here is so that I can sort through my thoughts or become aware of them as I write them down. I am my own therapist. This is the room in which I analyse myself or rant about things. These are all sessions. This is all very private.
So please don’t expose me.